Accountability
One of the hardest things to do is to take accountability for your actions. The problem isn't accepting what we did wrong; it's the process of acknowledging how we hurt others by the consequences that negatively affected them. We don't want to be the reason why. We try to avoid, ignore, and justify why we chose to do or say something, so we don't have to feel guilty. Guilt is a powerful emotion. If you've ever been in a situation where you felt guilty of how something may have impacted someone's life, the way it made them think, react, or anything you may have caused. Then you know that feeling of regret, disappointment, and simply just wrong about the situation. If you're stuck on this feeling of guilt, keep yourself accountable. Accept what you did, take responsibility for your involvement to be able to move forward. The problem with guilt is that it lingers, and you carry it around everywhere. Please don't allow yourself to be unaccountable for your actions, learn from it and better yourself. You have the power to grow and evolve. You may have heard this before, but your past mistakes do not define you. As humans, we are constantly changing and evolving… hopefully for the better. Although we may have said or done things in the past, we have the ability to learn and grow. We are not the same individuals 5, 10, or even for some, a year ago.
I have family members who are stubborn and don't like to be wrong and others who enjoy guilt-tripping people to avoid being wrong. It's hard communicating when people aren't ready to admit or accept fault, but here are some things you can do to help facilitate those conversations and how you can stay accountable for yourself.
Tips:
Accountability for yourself:
Ask yourself first if you've been clear with expectations, goals and if there was any lack of communication on your end
Avoid justifying your actions, don't make excuses, and accept what you did/said
Avoid the blame game; shifting guilt or blame doesn't help any situation
Be honest with yourself and others
Ask for honest feedback from a trusted person
Facilitating accountability when others can't:
Discuss what the situation is and how each other understands what happened
Establish a mutual goal and expectation of what you and the other person want to achieve
Ask how you can help facilitate communication better than blaming and judging what they did/said wrong
Create solutions together and keep each other accountable by checking in
Suppose you're someone who has a hard time accepting fault and becomes easily defensive when people point out your mistakes or how your actions negatively affected others. Try to listen, understand what they have to say, and feel because what they feel is valid. What you feel is also reasonable and do not have to compensate your feelings for someone else either. We can not control how others feel, but we can control how we react to those emotions. As we accept how our actions affect others, we enter a new discussion and conversation of how one was affected. Accept your part and have a conversation instead of an argument or what most like to do, play the blame game. So often, when we become defensive, we shift blame, create explanations to justify ourselves, and invalidate the feelings of others. When we are accountable for ourselves, we learn how to listen, become intuitive, and enhance our communication skills. It's not easy.. especially if you're someone who doesn't like being wrong or feeling guilty about a situation. Ego and pride can interfere, but recognizing it, is the first step.
“Responsibility is accepting that you are the cause and the solution of the matter” -Unknown
The Power of Burnout
Have you been feeling stressed, fatigued, or even irritated? If you're someone who has felt or been feeling a lack of motivation or interest in the hobbies, responsibilities, or goals you have, then you most likely have been experiencing burnout symptoms. As someone who is constantly on the go and enjoys keeping busy and occupied, I have recently faced the power of burnout and how negatively it can affect my success. I'm used to living a busy lifestyle, sleeping fewer hours than the average person, balancing work and school, keeping up with a social life, and being reliable towards my family. However, it eventually all catches up, and as much as I wanted to do everything and be everything for everyone. I learned I couldn't and had to say no, ask for range checks, and learn to put myself first. I had to rediscover what I wanted out of life, who I was doing it for, and how I wanted to achieve everything. I learned how to reach out and communicate my struggles with those close to me because I realized I didn't haven't to do this process alone. I had people in my corner who genuinely cared and were interested. With the support of my family and friends, I felt the reassurance of discovering what I needed for myself and how to take care of myself before I can help anyone else. Everyone has experienced some form of burnout through their academic, professional, or personal life. Trying to survive a pandemic, stressing over finding a job or if you’ll be able to keep your job, figuring out if school will be online or in-person, family safety, etc. can take a real toll on someone and can be physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting.
Everyone has their coping skills and mechanisms on how to move forward when feeling burnout, but if you're someone who is struggling or needs new coping skills and strategies, I'm here to share those with you. One of the most important skills one can have is self-care. Knowing how to take care of yourself and your needs is essential. Setting limits and boundaries for yourself is needed. Before you can help your family, friends, strangers, the world, etc., you first have to learn how to put yourself first and find what works for you to relieve the weight off your shoulders.
Examples of Self-Care Techniques
Physical Activity
Walking, jogging/running, hiking, weight lifting, or boxing all can help relieve stress and clear the mind. It also helps reduce high blood pressure when stressed and overwhelmed.
Mindfulness
Increases self-awareness! By practicing meditation, checking in with your thoughts and feelings it can help you discover the problem you’re facing, find the why in how you've been reacting or feeling.
Changing Attitudes
Shifting a negative attitude to a positive one can help manifest positive outcomes. Changing the way you view school, work, or anything that may cause you stress helps you control how it affects you.
Reconnect with friends/family/ colleagues
Social support is needed and helps you feel connected and involved. Sometimes burnout makes us feel alone, and friends, family, or acquaintances can help reassure us that we aren't.
Unplug from the world, disconnect from the internet
Disconnecting yourself for as long as you think you may need may help you find what you need and want without the influence of social media. By staying disconnected, you relieve yourself from the pressure of what society expects of you and are able to focus on yourself.
Self-care shouldn't feel like another chore, responsibility, or even feel time-consuming. It should be something that allows you to relieve stress and get your mind off of what is bothering you. What works for someone may not work for you, and that's okay; it just means you have to continue to try new things or discover what works for you. If someone's self-care is the gym and that seems like work to you, then you may want to try something new. Remember to be honest with yourself and your needs, this is your self-discovery process!
“Burnout occurs when your body and mind can no longer keep up with the tasks you demand of them”
-Del Suggs
Toxic Relations
Goodbye 2020 and Welcome 2021! What do you hope to gain in the new year? What do you wish to leave in 2020? As we all know, 2020 has been a challenging year. We’ve witnessed those we love become ill and lost many loved ones. We had to adapt to a new system. Work, school, family, friends, relationships, etc., changed. We changed. We all had to learn how to adapt to survive, but that’s who we are. We are survivors and resilient human beings. This year, we all learned how to cope in different ways, but in some way we’ve learned to lean on one another, support each other, and stand united.
We realized who and what was important. This year has been a rollercoaster of emotions since the very beginning of January. Looking back at 2020, I can say I am grateful and blessed for every memory I created with no regrets. This year I grew and became more intuitive of who I am and what I want. Through life hardships, I continued to stay motivated by appreciating my education, grateful for my family, and in awe of my close friends who frequently check-in and keep me sane. In life, you never realize who you have until you need someone. You also never truly realize someone is toxic until you take a break from them.
Sometimes the closest people to you are the ones who hold you back the most. They keep you from exploring or taking opportunities. It can be someone you know or simply yourself, holding you back. I challenge you to remove any toxic element in your life to grow, live a healthier life, and free yourself from anything getting in your way. It won’t be easy, especially if it’s a person close to you. The people we encounter and have in our lives can either be a lesson or a blessing. Those in your life who are considered toxic for you doesn’t mean they’re a terrible person, it just means they’re not good for you. Learning to let go can be one of the hardest things to do, but possibly the most necessary thing to do. Someone toxic in your life may be the biggest blessing for someone else. Learn to let go and start putting yourself first. Some people aren’t meant to stay in your life forever, and that is okay.
How to find out if someone’s toxic for you:
If someone invalidates what you feel, think, want to do/be.
Always compare their hardships with yours.
Repeatedly victimize themselves and controls you with guilt.
One-sided: You’re reliable and always supportive, but the other is not.
Constant jealousy and comparison.
If you dread spending time with them.
They say constant white lies.
If your mood declines and changes from your encounter.
Sometimes we don’t realize when someone is harming us, especially when we’ve created so many incredible memories. At some point, when you find yourself dreading spending time with the person, always feel drained after meeting, or feel belittled while with them, it’s time to give yourself space. Specifically, when a friendship or relationship doesn’t satisfy your needs but primarily focuses on theirs. In that case, you may want to take a step back and ask yourself if you are benefiting from this relationship. Everything in life is a give and take, not all the time, but it’s not always the other person “take, take, take” where they leave you nothing else to give. When you need to vent or share your day, stress from school, work, family, etc., you should feel welcomed to do so, not stopped or told not to share because it interferes with how they’ll think of themselves. Your hardships should not be compared because neither problem should be ignored or invalidated. How you feel is valid, what you are going through is hard, and those in your life should understand you and want to hear you out. Surround yourself with people who are genuinely concerned with your mental, emotional, and physical health. People who care about you take the time to check-in, genuinely want the best for you, and show up. They not only watch you at your lowest but support you at your highest. Remember, it’s okay to let go and move forward. You can wish the best for someone but not want them to be a part of your life at the same time.
“Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.”
-Albert Einstein
Creating Alternatives Instead of Excuses
My father once told me something I have never forgotten during rigorous softball practice. I told him I was tired and sore and wanted to stop; keep in mind I had two previous practices before the one I was in. He quoted Tim Notke and said, "Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard." At first, I was convinced he wanted my arms to fall off, but once I set my excuses and complaining to the side. I was finally able to understand and interpret what he had just told me. You see, life is always going to throw you a curveball whether you're expecting it or not. Life is not on your time; you're on life's time, and when you discover how you plan on spending the next moments, it is entirely up to you. What you want to do and who you want to be is what you need to start asking yourself. There is no stopping you; the only person who has the potential to stop you from fulfilling your purpose is YOU. So I ask you, are you ready to find your purpose or create excuses? The choice is and will always be yours. In life, we sometimes choose to do what is more comfortable than harder. We prefer to react and respond in a particular manner because we can anticipate the outcome. Once we become uncertain and lose control of the possibility or result, we panic and get scared. Why? Is it because we like to control? Is it because we want to prove ourselves, right? Or is it the simple fact of being scared of the unknown?
We often convince ourselves what we are doing is right, the choices we make are the right ones, and how we choose to proceed is justifiable. What if I told you, we validate our actions by creating excuses. We don't have a reason. Instead, we excuse why we couldn't work out today, why we couldn't finish that assignment, why we couldn't do that simple chore, why we couldn't be there for a friend in need, why we didn't tell the truth, etc. The list is endless, and so are our excuses. For so long, we've convinced ourselves of so many why's instead of creating many how's. How can I find the time? How can I do better? How can I be better? How can I find an alternative? How can I continue?..
Lets Practice Accountability
Take responsibility for what you say and what you do.
Admit the truth to yourself. If somethings hard, if you don't understand, admit to it.
Change bad habits and negative thinking.
Forgive your past failures and manifest positive outcomes.
Learn your weaknesses and strengths.
No one can make decisions for you; ultimately, everything you do is your choice. Take responsibility for everything you do and keep yourself accountable to remind yourself of making the right choice for yourself. Sometimes it can be challenging to admit the truth, especially when difficult decisions have to be created once you confront the reality. However, staying true to yourself helps to be honest with those around you. In school, when others seem to understand what's going on and you find yourself confused or lost, it's okay to admit it. If you continue life without asking questions and adequately understanding, you lose knowledge and keep yourself growing. Don't be the one to hold yourself back from your potential. Challenge yourself and educate yourself by the power of asking questions. Chances are you're not the only one, just the only brave one. At some point in our lives, we have all experienced failure, whether from a test, sports, work, friendships, relationships, etc. Failure is inevitable. How we overcome it and continue from it is how we learn. Loss can either keep you from trying or teach you a lesson. We can stop thinking negatively about our past mistakes and learn to move forward by thinking positively and being optimistic about what we strive to accomplish. One of the most incredible things to know is your strengths and weaknesses. To achieve goals and continue working towards dreams, you need to be honest with what you're capable of doing and what will be most challenging. Admit to your weaknesses and find alternatives to improve while growing through your strengths and embracing who you are.
“Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game”
Babe Ruth
Discovering Your Purpose
Do you know where you're headed? Do you know who you’re striving to become? What you want to do? If you don’t, that’s OKAY! Not many of us do. I was in the same process as you, you’re not alone. For those of you who do know, feel fortunate enough to be able to embrace your purpose. Discovering your purpose, is life changing. How? Your purpose is your why, your reason, your motive in this life. When you’re face with adversity, your purpose is what inspires you to keep moving forward. Your purpose gives you reason in finding alternatives and solutions rather than excuses and acceptance of failure. You can want something in life, but if you’re not ready to work for it, to fight for it, or face your inner challenges, it may not be obtainable.
Want to know how to find your purpose?
Let’s think of the next few things!
But first, be HONEST with yourself!
Think of your interests/passions! What do you love doing?
Think of when you felt your greatest joy in life. Look for patterns and reasons as to what exactly made you happy.
Speak with professionals, ask for advice, feedback, guidance and more! Learn more about the profession to gain better and clearer insight.
Turn your thoughts into actions. Everyday make an effort to work on what you inspire to accomplish. You need to meet your small goals in order to reach your big goal.
I have a question for you, are you trying to pursue a career, education, or path for yourself or the gratification of others? If you’re striving to pursue someone else’s purpose, you may not feel the same satisfaction as you would discovering your own. As I shared, I was in your shoes too, I was oblivious as to what, who, and where I wanted to be or do. It took time, but most importantly, it took me to be honest with myself. For a long time, I had an idea of what I wanted to do, but fear held me back. So, instead I chose the path that seemed less intimidating to me, but with time I grew to be less interested. When I finally decided to take the risk and choose the path I was so scared of taking before, I found my true purpose. I became passionate of what I wanted to do, knew the reason why, who I wanted to help and found meaning to my life.
The difficulties I face are worth encountering because I know what I will be achieving in the end. To me, my purpose is worth the late night studying, hundreds of pages to read, numerous of exams to take, because in the end I know I am one step closer to where I want to go. Everyone’s purpose is different, unique, and inspiring. What’s humbling about it, is it typically has one thing in common, giving. We tend to want to give and provide some sort of beneficial services or goods for others. Many of us may not know where we’re headed, and some of us do, but for those who don’t, keep your head up. You have time to discover your purpose. Don’t allow the judgment of others, expectations placed, or fear of failure stop you from becoming the best version of yourself. If you want others to believe in your purpose, you first need to believe in it.
“Your present circumstance don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.”
Nido Qubein
Self-Awareness
Have you ever felt frustration, jealousy, excitement, or even a sense of numbness? If you’re human, then the answer is, yes. The question of when you feel any of those emotions, varies on you. Your personal perception of any situation, event, or occurrence is how you self consciously choose to respond. Throughout our lives, we have endured numerous of emotions. I know I have, more than I would like to, but this isn’t about my feelings and what I’ve felt throughout my life. This is about learning how we can become self intuitive to what we are feeling, why we have those feelings, and how we can control our behaviors and actions during those emotions. To remain in control of our actions, we need to be aware of ourselves. Specifically, a self-aware individual can choose to workout during the night instead of the morning because they are aware of when they perform at their optimal level. Self-awareness can be a guide of who we are and what we stand by: values, standards, characteristics, and ethics. Self-awareness is how we portray and see ourselves through personal needs, desires, and character.
Strategy:
When you have time, I advice you to have a journal near you and write down your thoughts, feelings, goals, plans, and anything that may come to mind no matter how random it may seem. It can be anything from what you have to do, where you plan on going, who you want to meet and etc. When you’re done, I want you to ask yourself for each item you’ve written, the 3 why’s. The 3 why’s allow you to learn more about yourself by building your awareness through your reason and your thoughts. Please see one of my thoughts to get a clearer understanding:
My Family
Why? My family is everything to me, I wouldn’t be where or who I am without any of them.
Why? They’ve created a powerful foundation of reliable support and unconditional love throughout my life.
Why? Their encouragement and belief has given me the confidence I need to pursue my goals. My victories and my accomplishments aren’t just mine, they’re my families too.
Recognize your thoughts and feelings, try to ask yourself many questions and learn more about why you feel the way you do. Try asking yourself a lot of “why” questions after answering. The purpose of this exercise is to help find your inner ‘why’. Push yourself into thinking and digging deeper as to why you had certain thoughts. You can feel vulnerable and even defensive, as there may be some things you attempt to disregard. You learn more about the cause of your feelings, you recognize the effects it has on your behavior and understand why you respond in a certain manner. You remain in control of YOU, you build inner resilience through facing your true thoughts no matter how difficult it may be. Learning to be self-aware takes time and isn’t always easy. Remember to be flexible, patient, and understanding with yourself. Accept your thought process as it’s leading you to discover the real you.
Empowering Yourself
Do you ever wonder what could be? If you hadn’t allow fear or intimidation to hold you back, where you would be now? Many of us do, why? We allow the fear of failure, fear of intimidation, fear of not being enough to weigh us down and stop us from achieving goals, dreams, and success. Our mind is the most powerful tool when making self decisions, we either allow ourselves to take the risk or convince ourselves we aren’t worthy. I’m here to tell you, YOU ARE ENOUGH! You are capable and you are resilient. However, me believing in you isn’t enough for you to believe in yourself. No one can convince you, only you have the power to do so. Empower yourself in making bold decisions, say no to fear and take the next step in creating a future you desire.
Write down positive affirmations about yourself, look in the mirror and speak only kind words to yourself, or stand in a superhero pose for about five minutes to help increase confidence, performance, and brain resilience.
Things you can say to yourself in the mirror are:
“I am worthy”
“I am powerful”
“I am enough”
“I can achieve anything I set my mind towards”
“I love myself”
“ I am in charge of my destiny”
By using any of these techniques you are empowering yourself to do better and be better. Many times we allow negative self talk to convince us we can’t do something, when in reality, we can. Taking risks are difficult to do, partly because you have no control over the outcome. However, being comfortable allows stability, you’re in control and can predict what occurs next, BUT it denies you growth. Sometimes you need to choose between comfort vs growth. Empower yourself to accomplish your goals, be open and mindful to the opportunities and endless possibilities so you don’t wake up one day thinking, what if?